"The" wedding dress

Tereza had the most beautiful wedding dress.

It's fairy- and princess-like but it's far from being over the top or too sugary. It's actually quite plain, a full  skirt with little details but no tail, and a corset attached to it that's romantically semi-transparent at the back. It has fine lace-flower details, that have little shiny stones on them and are placed in a way that they kind of whirl upwards toward the neckline, where they form a really fine, nice necklace.

Hard to imagine just by my description, I figure, but I would feel a bit guilty posting a picture to share with the world. Let's leave it at that it's a stylish, romantic dress, the kind I would wear too.

Tomas loves it too. So much that it's put on display on a mannequin at the staircase of the second floor of his house, shoes placed underneath and everything. Whether he placed it there or she did, I never asked, it's just there.

The first few times I slept over, to get up and pee at night was an eerie business. You have to pass by the mannequin when going from his room to the bathroom. In the dark, the white of the dress kind of glows in the dark, especially when there's moonlight coming in from outside. Not to mention a mannequin has a humanoid shape, so still drowsy from sleep my mind would have a hard time assimilating the reality of that "thing" in the corner.

Now, 6 months later, it's still there and I've gotten used to it being there. I sometimes stop to look at it, thinking it could use a trip to the dry-cleaner's as it's gotten greyish on the lace-details, and a bit dusty. When I vacuumed his house during the past holidays (he never does it and I suspect his cleaning lady often skips the "unused" corners - what man would ever notice, right?) I even lifted the skirt and the shoes to make sure all the dust and cobwebs building up underneath were gone, because I felt like no one ever did that. I've come to respect the dress like I respect Tereza, but its physical presence is also a constant reminder of her being present there once. Particularly on that day she wore it.

Tomas sees it differently. When I asked him once about whether he ever thought of moving it, he said he had, but thought it was too beautiful to put in a box. He doesn't ever stop to look at it anymore, it's become part of the house like a painting on the wall, but he does want his daughter to be able to see it. Upon that I suggested he then put it in her room, out of direct direct sight in a "common area" like the staircase and the passage way at his second floor but far from being hidden in a box. He waved away that idea. Maybe a child's room isn't fit for the deceased mother's dress, but the staircase and passage way I tread almost every night and morning is...?

We haven't gone back to discussing the dress being there, and although back then I felt like we were discussing the presence of the dress, now there are moments when I think we might have been discussing another presence. But that's just thinking in hindsight and I may be off.

When seeing pictures of their wedding day, both of them looked radiant and gorgeous. I see him on those and I think I would've fallen in love at first sight (given, he was 6 years younger than he is now, but you catch my drift.) She looks beautiful, and the dress look enchanting on her. In mint condition, too.

We were watching this American TV show where girls go on their hunt for the perfect wedding dress according to their bodies and size. I had ordered my dress for Newyear's Eve online, and I was describing it to Tomas. He said it sounded lovely, I would look nice in it. Upon seeing some of the dresses on TV he started talking about Tereza's wedding dress, telling she described it to him after she had tried it on in the store and he thought "oh god, it's going to be one of those over-the-top dresses" and he thought he wouldn't like it. Until he saw it. He found it to be the most original and most beautiful wedding dress ever.

And then he said: "you know, it actually would look really good on you too." I laughed, not really knowing how to react, and said it probably would, honestly but also lightly adding I liked it, I could even have bought it myself.

He then followed by saying: "you should try it on someday. Just for fun, to see if it fits and what you look like in it"

I didn't see THAT coming. What am I supposed to say to that? He was talking lightheartedly, but not as a joke. He actually saw some fun in me trying it on. I felt differently. Taking down or even moving that dress was one bridge too far, but his girlfriend trying on the actual dress his deceased wife wore on their wedding day was completely fine, even fun?

I must be honest and say I was truly tempted. On one hand I was curious to see how it would look on me. I had never tried on anything even close to a wedding dress, and I bet it gives a special feel. On the other hand, there would be a whole other creepy feel to it that I wasn't sure how to deal with. Either way I felt a bit honoured, sort of a like it was guilty pleasure that was granted to only me.

And then there was another aspect that made me think and rethink the idea of wearing her dress. What if he sees me in it, and while wearing it changes his mind and feel like he was disrespecting her (and me, being in the dress, his accomplice)? Or, going the other way, he sees me in it and suddenly makes a click in his head that I may one day be his beautiful bride?

OK, too many emotions and "what if's", so I decided not to wear it. For now. I may change my mind.


Ironically, some other time when I was looking for a dress to wear for a dinner with his family we were talking about a special dress they had bought for her while on vacation in Brasil. Nothing extraordinary, just a very pretty and original dress that you could wear on more festive occasions. I never saw it, because it's in one of the boxes he keeps in the attic, containing her clothes. But it came up that day and he said I would look amazing in it.

I said "oh well then perhaps I should try it on?", not entirely serious about it but hey, I was curious and it wasn't a wedding dress.

He looked at me for a bit, frowned and then shook his head "Ahm.. No. That would just be weird. You wearing the clothes she wore, it would feel wrong"

I reminded him of the wedding dress, that he wouldn't have minded that, even better, he came up with the idea himself.

"Yeah, but that's different" he said.

No more, no less. I am unable to understand his reasoning. Their vacation to Brasil was memorable, and very special and fun, and a dress might be a great memory of that, but for it to have more value than her wedding dress that is a symbol of their marriage and their wedding day? That's beyond me.

I remain baffled thinking about it, and truly have no idea what to make of it or how to feel towards it all, his suggestion to try on the wedding dress or his reaction when I suggested to try on the Brasil-bought dress. I may still try on the wedding dress, possibly only to see how he will react. Possibly to see how I would look in a wedding dress, or so he can see what I look like in one. Maybe better even, a different one?

But that's borderline my questions about marriage, which I will address in a different post.