Save the date

Today exactly 3 years ago, Tomas' wife Tereza came home from a shopping trip with a friend. Her husband had stayed home, flooded with work, she had taken their 3-month old with her. After she had put down the baby, Tereza fell to the floor, unable to catch her breath.

What followed was a 911 call, instructions for giving CPR during the next 30 minutes until the ambulance arrived, and a trip to the hospital where all friends and family passed by in the course of three days, until finally, upon the announcement that all brain activity had seized, Tomas and his wife's parents gave permission to turn off all the machines that kept her among the living. She was buried a few days later.

I was planning on starting off easy on this blog, looking back on 5 months of being in a relationship with Tomas, sharing the feelings and experiences I lived while getting the blog up to date. No pressure, we're having our ups and downs but why hurry, there's enough time to tell everything. But then I realised I have to adress this issue now, today, the only relevant day in a year's time to do so.

It just so happens that from the start of December on, it is the most hectic season in Tomas' business. It's a race against time and neverending problem-solving. Papers lie around the house shouting for his attention, a mechanical failure can mean an utter disaster for the schedule, his cell phone needs charging every night from the continuous phone calls (OK, he charges it every night anyway, but that's not the point), workers start to take off for the holidays, etc.

Less coincidential is the fact that there's a turning point in December, a previously fixed date where the business stops its regular activities and goes in overdrive into a transition period till the end of January, in the way I described above. This turning point is a date most companies in his sector have set at the beginning of December. He has set it on today, December 18th, for the past three years already. I've never asked him about whether it's coincidence or not, I assume it rather isn't.

Since the beginning of December, he has stopped sending me textmessages during the day to see how I'm doing, if I slept well, how my day's going, or what my plans are for when I get out of work. When I send something (which I do every day if I don't hear from him), it either goes without response, or gets a short reply some time later saying he's busy. And then I don't hear from him until hours later, after he's put his daughter to bed.

This all fits in with what a busy period in a business might bring about, and in no way do I blame him for it. He's very driven at what he does and I admire him greatly for what he's done, what he's achieved, and what he continues to build. I will address this in a post later on, because work is with him day and night (and I mean that literally, he often gets up in the middle of the night to attend to an urgent problem), yet he finds time to be a caring father for his daughter. And he used to find time to be a husband too.

A picture my dad took while we were living in Poland. The 1st of November was a date to save, as huge amounts of people would go visit their loved ones, at some of the eeriest yet most beautiful graveyards I've ever seen.

He admits one of the biggest ways of getting through the initial emotional desolation his wife's passing brought about was devoting himself to his business and his child. Perhaps 'getting through' is not the right term. He rather avoided it by keeping steady on his goals in life, to raise a child and a business, and that has kept his mind from wandering off.

In addition to maintaining a very sharp focus in life, he has shut off emotionally. He has created a wall of apathy, that only his daughter can break through. If his emotions were to be a graph, it would be a straight line. He is content and optimistic about almost everything, but he is unable to feel emotional highs or lows. Another way of coping, he admits, another way of keeping his mind in place. That's against nature and prevents a natural healing process, some would say, yet a very effective survival technique, others might argue. I would agree to both I think, but I only know for sure: that wall is so darn hard to break through...

Recent developments and heart-breaking conversations (a few weeks ago) with him have taught me he perhaps is not ready to move on yet. He didn't know this himself before we started dating, as he's had a couple of relationships before me (both didn't survive the three-month threshold, as he lost interest and he only felt apathy towards them) and this time he says it's different. In me he sees an ideal partner for sharing the rest of his life with, after 5 months I still make him feel things that resemble love, and he definitely doesn't want to lose me. But he feels there's something missing, which he can only explain by saying that he might not be ready to open up.

What I'm getting at by telling all this, and which I didn't realize at the time: his sudden epiphanies on how he feels about our relationship and his lack lately to give me the affectuous attention he used to, are more than likely related to the fact that today's date and the holiday-season as a whole just takes him back three years ago. And in his mind nor in his heart is there room for anyone else during those flashbacks that come and go, and have done so since December has started. Or at least I think.

Is it the business giving him such a hard time? Is it the date, the emotions and nostalgia provoked by this period of the year? A combination of both, I guess. But that's all I can do, guess. He is in no mood for having profound conversations these days, which is (and I'm pretty sure of that) caused by work-related stress.

Two months into our relationship, we went to a bar in the centre of Mechlin, to celebrate his sister's birthday. It was only on our way back to the car, some hours past midnight and some beers later, that he showed me the beautiful place where him and Tereza had their wedding celebration 5 years ago. Yes, 5 years ago almost exactly, as he told me that it would've been their 5th wedding anniversary the next day. He told me about the place, the music, the people invited, how it cost a lot of money but was worth every penny. He was being nostalgic without being sentimental, but two months into our relationship I wasn't exactly ready for that, so I kept silent and listened with mixed feelings.

Last night he got up right as I was falling asleep. He took his phone and his pillow, and as he opened the door I lifted my head and asked where he was going. To sleep in the other room, he said (which is an empty room with some old furniture, and a big mattress on the floor). He's done that on only one occassion, saying he couldn't sleep with me lying next to him, he had to be able to move around freely because stress and thoughts on work were killing him and he didn't want to keep me up writhing around. It had nothing to do with me he said. The first time I was really confused, I found it a pretty confronting way of withdrawal and I felt hurt. That first time, in the early morning when he hadn't come back yet I went and cuddled up next to him.

Yesterday I let him be. I asked if it had to do with work, and if he was ok. He said affirmatively that I shouldn't worry. I didn't worry, but I did feel left out again, and although I know better, it also feels like a form of rejection.

Tonight I'm having dinner at his house and we're planning on going to see a movie. I hope to keep it light, and if he didn't want to be with me tonight he would've said so, but I'm prepared for anything.

Some time ago he said the date(s) Tereza passed away don't mean nearly as much to him as her birthday, in February. I'm bracing myself for that time, seeing as now I often find myself not knowing how to act or react when things get tense, or when he shows an utter lack of affection and empathy. I try to be as understanding as possible, but without any insight in his thoughts I can only show him my love and concern which unfortunately I've found to have a wayward effect sometimes, especially when he's less receptive like he's been these days.

During All Saints in Poland, one could spot the graveyards from miles away, as they were lit by thousands and thousands of candles.

I want to be there for him when he feels like talking about his emotions, even if it is being nostalgic over Tereza like when he did in Mechlin. But I can't force him to talk about it, if it has at all to do with his state of mind these days. I'm writing down the dates in my agenda, just to be prepared and give him a rain check if he needs one. I just hope one day he can share those things with me, because it just might actually prove helpful for both of us.